November. How did it sneak up on me again? I feel like 2015 just started, yet here I am, planning events to close out 2015. Christmas is a mere 2 months away. 2! How is that even possible?

If you haven’t caught on from my Facebook, I’m in the dead middle of my busy season. When I say busy, I mean 13 more sessions between now and the first week of December. That’s the most I’ve EVER had in the history of … well… ever. After years of hard work, tweaking, improving, learning, growing… it’s finally turning into what I’ve been dreaming of. I’m excited for December and my month long “vacation” because it will allow me to fix some back end tasks and office items that have been neglected. Truthfully, I wasn’t prepared for how much Miss Jee’s was going to grow this year and it’s time to play catch up so that 2016 can be even better.

You know what’s crazy? It’s my anniversary month again. November 27, 2015 marks 5 years. FIVE. How has time passed that quickly? The older I get, the faster it goes. Not to mention that Bennett’s first year disappeared like steam from a teapot. Whoosh. Gone. We gave him his first haircut last night…. which I think was harder for Patrick than me. His baby curls and ringlets were snipped and trimmed and he wiggled off daddy’s lap looking like a little boy.

I want to blog more, Facebook less. It’s hard to detach from Facebook. I’m thinking of taking an unplugged December once work ends and focus on family, cooking, enjoying the holidays, taking more photos (less cell phone pictures). I’m working on being more present. Less distracted. I have 1.4298579 million things going on in my head at any given moment and by facebooking less, I fell as though I can help rid myself of the distractions.

The Tobler household has some really exciting things going on in the next couple of months and I can’t wait to share… but we can’t let the cat out of the bag too soon. BEFORE you ask, there isn’t a bun in the oven. 🙂 I’m already preparing myself now that Bennett has turned one, for the, “When are you going to have another?” All in due time my friends, all in due time. Have I mentioned how free I feel to not be nursing anymore? I finally am feeling like myself again.

SO, here’s my “I’M GOING TO BLOG MORE” post. We shall see if I can actually keep up with it, along with the million other plates and crates I’m trying to balance.

Check back in to see what life is like in the Relbot Household.

It’s getting hot, the pools are open and trips to the wonderful beach are underway. The topic of bathing suits can sometimes be controversial but I’ve been wanting to share why I personally wear what I wear.

I haven’t always covered myself the way I do now. Even during the first couple years of marriage, I still wore a bikini. Patrick never once asked me to change how I dressed or to cover my body. This choice was completely my own. My own personal convictions and thoughts on how I want my body to only be seen by Patrick, that brought me to cover myself.

I never use to feel any conviction about wearing a bikini, if you look back far enough into my photos on Facebook, you’ll still find them. The change literally happened overnight though. I woke up 2 summers ago and the idea of putting a bikini on just didn’t seem right. All of the sudden I felt like if I wore a bikini, it would be identical to me standing in front of everyone in my underwear…. and Patrick is the only one who needs to see that. So, I knew I wanted to change.

It’s hard to explain when the Holy Spirit draws a line that isn’t always the same for everyone else. Everyone has different lines that they draw because they have their own personal convictions. Some people don’t drink alcohol, some do. Some people don’t curse, some do. Some people don’t wear bikini’s, some do. These are all topics that each individual decides what is “right” for them. These all have gray lines because the bible specifically doesn’t say, do not use curse words or do not wear a bikini. There are verses that can guide someone into choosing, but the bible does not verbatim say, “Thou shall not wear a bikini.”

Please, please, PLEASE do not feel like I’m judging you if you’re rocking a bikini…. I promise I’m not.

I had someone ask if I wear a bikini to keep other men from stumbling. This isn’t what I really thought about when I decided I wanted to wear a one piece or tankini. My thought process is more so that I want to reserve my body only for Patrick. How it looks is for his eyes only. Even if we don’t know anyone else, it is still important for me to stay covered.

Snorkeling in Cozumel, Mexico

It’s hard for me to even explain it. I actually feel pretty vulnerable blogging about it because I feel like most of yall will think this is over kill or that I’m crazy. Like why is it such a big deal? It’s just a bathing suit. I’m not sure why this is such a big deal to me, but it is.

So where do I draw the line when it comes to what I will or will not wear? I personally need to have my butt and whoo ha (va-gi-na…. whoo ha totally sounds better haha) covered. I don’t personally feel comfortable if it is the same shape and fit as my underwear. Tops? I need my midsection covered and very little cleavage which is hard to find. It is a known fact that I have breasts… but I personally just like to keep them covered. I am comfortable with my shoulders and back exposed.

See, you might be rolling your eyes saying, well why are your thighs ok and your back but not your stomach? I’m not sure. This is just what I feel comfortable with. These are just the lines I drew.

I just wanted to share a little bit about my story of why I started rocking a one piece long before I had a kid. If you’re struggling with what to wear, just pray about it. No one can make that decision for you. Wanna rock a bikini, rock away. Want to wear a swim dress? That works too. I prefer something a little in between.

I really started thinking about this topic because for the past week, I’ve been on the hunt for a new swim suit. I love target but Target just didn’t work for me. I actually bought a one piece but took it back because I just didn’t love it. I ended up finding a new swim suit at Sears of all places. Unexpected but completely delightful. 🙂 It’s hard to be 23 and dress against the norm. I really struggled to find a cute suit that didn’t make me look a lot older than I am. I wanted something fashionable yet modest. It’s a challenge.

Again, I’m not telling you to stop wearing a bikini or that I’m right and you’re wrong. I’ve just been asked why I wear a one piece and I thought it was worth a blog post.

Happy swim suit weather 🙂

I think we can all agree that we are thankful for this warmer weather. To celebrate the warmth, I walked the trails for over 2 hours yesterday with another mama just soaking in the breeze and the 76 degree day. Mr. Winter has lingered on for way too long in my opinion and overstayed his welcome…. so, please don’t leave us warm weather! PLEASE!

Last summer, I was very pregnant. What goes hand in hand with summer pregnancy? The feeling of not being able to escape the heat. I was always SO hot in my pregnancy… hence the reason I hibernated indoors most of the year. Well our AC is an older unit so it decided that it wanted a break last year. The first time was while Patrick was in India! That was crazy. The second time it stopped working was the weekend of my baby shower. I was 31 weeks pregnant in July and the AC stopped working. I was miserable. Well, the good husband that I have, surprised me with one of the best gifts ever while I was away at my baby shower.

I came home to a hot house and was instructed to walk upstairs. As I climbed the staircase, the temperature began to lower. Well this is weird. I was then instructed it go into our room. Ok…..? Sub artic temperatures hit me. What is going on??? I look into our bathroom window and Patrick had installed a window unit while I was gone. It was the most glorious thing I had seen. Most of the summer I felt like I couldn’t escape the heat but my bedroom was transformed into my own little artic oasis. I remember just standing in the bathroom for extended amounts of time just to feel the 60 degree air being blasted on my body.  Have I mentioned that my husband is amazing?

Well, I’m obviously not pregnant anymore but pregnancy has left me feeling more hot in temperature, especially when  I sleep. With the low in the 60’s last night, I thought I would be fine if we didn’t turn the AC on for the house. I seriously tossed and turned all night. I was so hot and uncomfortable. I was even sleeping without any covers on! I kept checking the monitor to make sure Bennett wasn’t trying to squirm his way out from his covers. Surprisingly he didn’t move much last night.

Anyways, by 3 am I gave in, got up and turned on our bedroom AC unit. We sleep with our door closed so it started cooling the room almost immediately. Sweet relief. Under the covers I went and I quickly fell into a deep sleep.

This morning though, Bennett woke me up by coming over the monitor with his usual babbling. I got out of bed, threw on the robe to go feed him and when I opened my door and the warmth of the rest of the house hit me, the feeling took me right back to being pregnant. Like I’m pretty sure if I reached down, I would have felt a watermelon sized belly. It literally stopped me in my tracks. It AMAZES me how certain smells, songs, feelings, etc take you back to very distinct times in your life.

The “How He loves song” takes me back to the night my dad passed away. Leaving an artic-ly cold room on a warm summer morning apparently takes me right back to being very pregnant.

Do you have any “Takes me right back” moments? I would LOVE to hear about them 🙂

So, if you’re reading this, you probably know that I’m a photographer. I haven’t shared what I’m about to tell you with many people but I guess if you take the time to read my blog, you can hear about one of the most devastating things that happened to me over the summer.

I lost all of my photos from the past 2 years. Work related AND personal. My pregnancy photos…. gone. Our family vacations… gone. My favorite sessions that I have captured for clients… gone.

It was all gone. 

There was a thunder storm over the summer and the power started to flicker. I decided to go turn off and unplug my computer for safe measures. The next morning I turned it back on to finish editing a session and my iMac couldn’t read my external. Hmmmm weird…. let me try and plug it back in. Nope. Didn’t work. Let me restart the computer…. nope. Nada. I finally found myself driving out to Cary to best buy for their geek squad. The hard drive was registering on their computer but the files weren’t accessible. They could send it off to a repair company but had no guarantee of a fix. I was getting estimates of $500 to $3000 dollars to try and repair the hard drive. I was even willing to pay it.  I decided to try local. I dropped it off at another repair company in Cary and waited 4 excruciating days to hear the outcome. Almost 30 weeks pregnant and I was hysterical and distraught.

I had a ransom virus. There was no hope of recovery no matter where I sent it.

I was naive in the thought that my hard drives would never crash. I didn’t back it up. I know. ABSOLUTELY stupid. Like sheer stupidity. Dumb. I hated myself for being so dumb.

I lost everything. All of my memories had vanished overnight EXCEPT for what I had uploaded to Facebook.

I post a lot to Facebook… especially since Bennett has arrived. Mostly pictures… but I have a fondness towards the site because it preserved my photos and memories from the past 2 years. I can actually download them from Facebook and am able to print 4×6’s from it. My pregnancy photos were SAVED. Our cruises… SAVED. Our memories… SAVED.  Granted out of the thousands of pictures I take from vacations, only the best of the best were uploaded to Facebook but I will take some over none.

Now, regarding my photography work…. I can’t use my old work because the quality isn’t the same. I can’t download the jpg’s from Facebook to make promotional work… nothing. I did lose all of it. The silver lining of losing everything though? It has pushed me to get out of my comfort zone. I have had to hustle to get new business because I can’t rely on what I’ve done in the past. It was like starting over. I can’t just go into my archives and pull an old picture…. I have to go out and create NEW images. I have to get NEW clients. I have to continue to be creative, learn, move FORWARD.

It was honestly a wake up call but it has been a hidden blessing. My business has actually benefited from losing everything.

Now? Everything is like tripled backed up. Extra hard drives, online storage. You name it? I am doing it.

As a photographer, photos are my thing. I take SO many photos. It’s just what I do. It doesn’t matter if it is with my big camera or just a cell phone. I love to document my life. I was in a car accident in 2005 that was life changing. My memory was affected because of it. I have missing chunks of my life before the accident. My short term memory isn’t the same. Memories of friends from just the year before? Gone. You could tell me something and hours later I would have already forgotten the conversation. As the years have passed, it has improved but I still have to write everything down.

Photography helps me remember. It’s just another reason why I am so passionate about it.

So, now you know just another reason why I unashamedly upload so much to Facebook and this blog. It all helps me remember things that I don’t want to forget.

It’s new years eve. We are all saying goodbye to 2014 and welcoming all that 2015 has to offer. I will be honest though, I won’t be awake at midnight to see the ball drop, I’ll be asleep in my bed next to Patrick with the hopes of welcoming 2015 as a well rested mom.

2014 was a year of change for Patrick and I. We decided at the end of December of 2013 to try and have a baby and in January of 2014 we saw our first positive pregnancy test. It was a year of anticipation of Bennett Journey’s arrival and a year of God’s provision. It’s been an amazing year

January:

“Babe… I think I see a line….”

Telling our families!

February:

Facebook Official!

Seeing Bennett for the first time! What an amazing memory.

March:

Started showing at around 13 weeks!

April:

IT’S A BOY! We were so excited for Bennett Journey!

May:

Halfway done with my pregnancy!

June:

Trip to the zoo!

Bennett’s nursery was painted!

Birthday trip 🙂

Charlotte birthday trip 🙂

July:

Patrick led a construction trip to India!

Bennett’s amazing baby shower!

My favorite maternity picture.

August:

Solo flights for Patrick. One of my favorite pictures 🙂

The completion of Bennett’s Nursery at 37 weeks!

September:

He arrived! 9/25/2014 | 9:17 am after 30 hours of labor and 2 hours of pushing.

Last picture as a family of two!

October:

Trip to the state fair at 2 weeks old!

Baby dedications at Living word family church!

Halloween!

November:

2 Months old!

Thanksgiving!

Happy 4 years of marriage babe!

First road trip and overnight stay with Mr. B!

December:

Christmas!

The first time Patrick took Bennett anywhere without me!

Christmas Eve

Christmas morning

Christmas morning

3 months old!

WOW! What a year!!!! This has been one of the best years of my life. I have an amazing husband, a super cute son, a job a I love and so many blessings I can’t even list them all. After 2014 has mostly been focusing on Mr. B, Patrick and I are so excited to settle into the routine of being a family of 3 and listening to what God is calling us to do in 2015. The taste of sweet adventures is on the horizon and I am so ready to jump right in!

Oceans by Hillsong United comes to mind for 2015:

“You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior”

I pray that my faith is strengthened this next year. That I am trusting everything entirely in Gods hands. That His plans for our family prevail and that we have the confidence to go through the doors of opportunity that will open.

I hope your 2014 was as delightful as mine! Cheers to welcoming in 2015!

Being a mom is awesome. Hands down, best job ever. The thought of leaving Bennett and not being able to stay with him all day breaks my heart. I know that being a stay at home mom isn’t for everyone, but I thank God everyday that I hold this title.

I have thankfully been able to take off from work since August. Four amazing months of just Mr. B and I and I have literally loved every minute of transitioning into mama hood. You see though, I have another love in my life that has taken the back burner.

Miss Jee’s Photography. How blessed and fortunate am I to absolutely LOVE my job! Both of my jobs! I knew that I wanted these past four months to just be Mr. B and I but now that my maternity leave is ending, I am welcoming back my second love with open arms.

The extra work that it takes to schedule and leave Bennett with Patrick is something that is sometimes complicated but the joy that I get from being back in my element is overwhelming. I was able to photograph a newborn at Rex hospital today and as I drove away, I realized just how much I missed being behind the camera, doing exactly what I love.

It was actually pretty weird driving to Rex and walking the halls seeing that I was just there three months ago myself, but I loved the nostalgia it brought. My heart swelled thinking that another mama just went through the amazing act of birth and now is getting to love on her precious gift that she waited on for 10 long months. The fact that I get to capture those emotions, feelings and moments is the best feeling ever. I am capturing time in beautiful photographs that she will look back on for decades. Those feelings leave me fulfilled.

I pray that I am blessed with more amazing opportunities in 2015 to do exactly what I love.

I am so thankful that I get to be a stay at home mom who also gets to pursue her passion. What a blessing.

Tomorrow is the 6 year anniversary of when my life was completely changed. Six years ago, I came home from a horrible day only to be greeted by one of the worsts events of my young life. My dad passed away of a heart attack 6 years ago. I was only 17, still a senior in high school and  it was only 6 days before Christmas.

I remember the night so vividly, painfully clear. I actually dressed up for school and joyfully celebrated Christmas break in all of my classes. Then after a series of events that led to tears and a horrible work day, I ended up skipping a bonfire with friends and heading home to sleep the day off. I always knew that no matter how hard the day is, a good nights sleep can fix it all.

I arrived at home at around 9 oclock, headed straight upstairs and crawled into my bed. I just needed a new day. I was in that state of sleep where you’re half awake and halfway into dream world when I heard my mom screaming. Something was very wrong. I jumped out of bed, stumbled to throw a sweatshirt on and literally flew down the stairs. I was greeted by fire fighters and ambulance workers running to my parents room. Ok. Something is seriously wrong.

My dad had collapsed and was on the bedroom floor in my parents room. In the chaos, I just wanted to run. I wanted to get away from the craziness of them working on my dad. My mom had me call my brother who was at his girl friends at the time. First call, no answer. Second call, he knew something was wrong. I stumbled with my words but he got the point. He was on his way home.

I needed to get out of the house so my friend Joni, who lived a few streets away, came and picked me up and brought me to her home to distract me during the wait. I wasn’t wearing shoes, still in my pj’s and emotionally unstable. She turned on a movie and we waited. My phone rang and my mom asked me to hand the phone to Joni. Joni disappeared behind the bathroom door and when she came out, I already knew by the look in her eyes.  “You’re dad didn’t make it. You have the choice to stay here or go home.” I stood up and used every curse word I knew towards God. Why me? Why my family? Why my dad? My dad was a good man. I chose to go home.

She drove me to my street. We pull up to fire trucks, police cars and ambulances. The flashing lights illuminate the cold December night. The car stopped and I flung the door open and ran barefooted, tears in my eyes towards my home. A neighbor stopped me and grabbed my shoulders and said, “This is where your faith becomes real.” I didn’t want to hear it. I just wanted to get inside to my mom and brother.

We cried and hugged for the first time as a family of three. Then it was time to make a very hard and serious decision for a 17 year old. Do I want to go in to my parents room and say goodbye to my dad. I had a very short time to make such a life long decision. I retreated to the quietness of my room with the hum of our lives changing downstairs. I chose not to say goodbye to my dad. The last thing my dad said to me was, “I love you, have a good day” as I ran out the door that morning trying not to be late for first period. I wanted that happy memory instead of the last image of my dad downstairs. It was a tough decision that I would have to live with for the rest of my life and I honestly don’t regret my choice.

As they took my dad away, I sat in my room trying to comprehend how the past few hours had completely changed my life. Patrick stayed on the phone with me until late in the morning. My mom held me and I cried. I was angry with God but the only thing that brought me comfort was John Mark Mcmillans, How He Loves.

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us, oh,
Oh, how He loves us,
How He loves us all

I put the song on repeat. I needed to hear that God loved me during the darkest night my 17 year old life had experienced.

Oh how He loved me. Oh how He loved me. Oh how He loved me.

Faith was the only way I was going to get through the next hours… days… weeks.

My mom and brother kept our household together after my dad passed. I will admit that I ran. Literally and figuratively. Shoes to pavement and it was the only way I could clear my mind. It was the only time that I wasn’t the girl who had just lost her dad. It was the only time I felt free from the suffocating truth that my life had just taken a HUGE turn. I woke up the next morning in tears that I didn’t want the life that was unfolding for me. I wanted a different story.

Fast forward 6 years. I love the story that has unfolded. Do I miss my dad? More than anything. Since Bennett has arrived, I have cried more tears of missing him than I have in the past 6 years. I wish more than anything that my dad would have met Patrick and Bennett. There has been so much beauty in my life in the past 6 years and I wish that my dad could have been here to see it all.

A few hours before my dad passed away, he went on a walk with my brother. He said, “When I die, I want people to remember the good that I have done. Not how much money I had or the house I lived in, but that I was a good man”. We didn’t know that he would pass away unexpectedly a few hours later. My dad was an amazing, kind and gentle man. I see his joyful smile in Bennett sometimes. I know he would be giggling if he ever had the chance to hold my love bug.

So, if you have had darkness and hard times, know that there is still beauty waiting for you in your story. Life is still good even after your world falls a part. God is still good and faithful even after you think He has left you. He never leaves, He never stops loving you, He never will forsake you. He gives strength to those who are weak. He gave me strength to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward.

I am brought back to a dark night in my room every time How He Loves is played on the radio. I also am reminded about God’s overwhelming love, comfort and peace. I pray that you find that love, comfort and peace if you’re story isn’t unfolding exactly how you planned for it to. Keep moving forward. Beauty awaits.

The last picture I have with my dad.