I remember the first month that I had Bennett. What a hard month that was. Becoming a first time mom is such a learning curve. You’re physically trying to recover from birth, sleep deprived, and on an emotional roller coaster as your lovely hormones are regulating. Oh those lovely hormones.

It’s funny, when you have a kid you start thinking of things that you would have never thought about before. Like, who are going to be my kids friend? Will anyone come to  his birthday parties? Will I have any mommy friends?

When I got married at 19, there weren’t many people my age going through the same stuff. There were a lot of times I felt lonely at first. Patrick is my best friend but women need other women. There is beauty in the bond that happens between women when you know that they are going through the same thing you are going through or have gone through.

I eventually made married friends but I still struggled with the fact that most of my married friends were starting families or already had kids.  I just wasn’t there yet. It didn’t mean I didn’t have amazing friends but I just couldn’t relate to what they were going through. I just didn’t understand what life with kids looked like.

Fast forward four years. Hello Bennett! He arrived and in sheer exhaustion I only had 2 and a half days with Patrick before he HAD to return to school and I was on my own during the day. Not only was this terrifying simply because I was being left alone with a tiny newborn who I wasn’t sure what to do with, but physically I was in so much pain. I was on pain killers, unable to walk up or down the stairs without my legs trembling, unable lift a car seat…. it was rough. My labor was hard. My body was doing the best it could to recover but I struggled in the beginning.

When Patrick returned to school, I was lonely. Here I was physically unable to leave the house, terrified to leave the house and so I stayed home. By myself. With a baby who didn’t talk back to me. I had visitors, yes but I was still lonely. My hormones made everything more intense but the first month or so I struggled with anxiety and loneliness. After the first couple of weeks, I remember going to target for groceries and finding conversation with the cashier to be so refreshing. I didn’t care who you were, I was just happy to talk to someone and be out of my house. I was so in love with Bennett but I was also so so lonely. I needed friends.

Fast forward to 4 months. These past few weeks, I look and see how different my life is now. I’m so thankful for my birth photographer Amanda who kept inviting me to play dates, group get togethers/events, mommy night out. Even when I declined, she kept inviting. I remember my first play date. The sheer excitement I had from sitting with a group of women who were like minded and just talking was the best.thing.ever. Thank you Amanda for bringing me into such a beautiful world of friendships. I am so thankful for you.

I find myself surrounded with beautiful women and moms. The best part? We are all like minded. Being able to relate to other moms rather that be on cloth diapering, essential oils, chiropractic care, our babies age, WHATEVER the topic… there is so much comfort in those friendships.

Just yesterday, I sat on the floor of a new mama friends apartment and we talked for hours. HOURS! My heart was so full. We actually bonded over facebook because I knew her husband. I sent her a message because I found out she was cloth diapering and a friendship blossomed from such a simple common factor. This was close to a year ago! She just moved to NC, we just officially met in person for the first time and I couldn’t be more thankful! Catherine, you’re a gem.

Moms need mom friends. Motherhood can be lonely. We get caught in the routine of day to day life and trying to stay on top of laundry, our kids needs, grocery shopping, work and all the other tasks of a mom and then we find ourselves lonely. Husbands are great but there is something about having friendships with other women.

We find ourselves craving comradery with other women… at least I did. The definition of comradery couldn’t be more accurate to my views on having mom friends.

1. Comradery is the spirit of friendship and community in a group, like the comradery of soldiers at war who keep each other upbeat despite the difficulty of their circumstances.

Motherhood is hard. Surrounding yourself with other women to keep you upbeat despite the difficulty of your circumstances is beautiful. You shouldn’t do motherhood alone. Don’t let loneliness overwhelm you. I pray that you are surrounded by other mom’s and women who can love on you and encourage you on the hard days of being a mom. Or rejoice with you on the not so hard ones.

I found a village. Four months ago I was painfully lonely. Today? I am blessed. I am so thankful to be surrounded by such lovely ladies to do this thing called motherhood with.

I pray you find your village. It’s a beautiful place to raise children. If you need a village, my village is always open.

Hello Monday.

I am in the middle of a marathon week of appointments, sessions and life. It has literally been non stop.

I took this video last week and just wanted to post it to the blog.

Happy Monday y’all.

Have you ever read about Mark Gungor’s Flag page? Patrick and I went to a marriage conference a few years ago at our church and it was such a great experience.

Mark Gungor’s flag page fits me to a tee. I’m about to show you more about who I am and my heart than most people would know without asking…

You can click on them to make them bigger to read.

So I know that is a lot of information about myself that you might just sound like a whole bunch of mumble jumble but if I had to describe myself and my heart, my flag page is the perfect representation. Ok ok. What does all of that have to do with anything? Everything.

Did you see that my home country is perfect country? Do you know what I struggle with the most? Feeling like I constantly am failing perfection. I like my house to be clean, my life to be planned, things to be on schedule. That would be the most ideal situation. Real life though? I’m constantly cleaning with the feeling of never completing it. My dinner menu is constantly changing because schedules change and unpredictable things happen. My craft projects take weeks to complete and baking takes hours. Can I be honest? I struggle with becoming frustrated when the plan changes.

I read a blog about how we have to stop judging other moms because we all have different strengths and weaknesses. This was based off of a few other blog posts that were floating around about how kids are messy so it’s ok to have your house messy because it means you’re a real mom who spends more time with her kids then worrying about her home. You see, that’s not fair. I thrive and am a better mom/person when my home is clean. I can’t function whenever there is stuff everywhere. It’s just who I am though and it doesn’t mean I’m not a real mom spending less time with my kid. 

I’m sorry but can I just punch whoever started this “you’re a real mom only if you do xyz” thing? Gosh. Stupid.

I love to blog. Does that make me a real mom? I am a stay at home mom. Does that make me any more of a mom than the woman who goes to work full time? NO. I birthed Bennett. Does that make me any more of a mom than someone who adopts? If you even considered any other answer than no, go ahead and just march yourself to time-out and sit there for a while.

I think I’m getting off on a tangent, but I just wanted to share with you one of my struggles with Mamahood. That feeling of failing. Ever feel like you’re failing your kids? Your husband? I put so much pressure on myself which then turns into me putting unfair pressure on Patrick to have everything perfect that when it’s not, I feel like I’m drowning in failure. I beat myself up and that’s just not cool.

Patrick does an amazing job at encouraging me when he can tell I’m starting to feel like it’s all falling a part. There is nothing wrong with liking stuff a certain way but when I start telling myself that I’m failing as a mom and wife, well that’s just not how God see’s me.

A few weeks ago, Patrick went to bed early because he wasn’t feeling well. Bennett’s bedtime came and I walked upstairs to this:

“Thanks for being a great mom. I love you so much” 

I then turned it into this:

It was just the reminder I needed and still need to hear. I feel like I fail as a mom to Bennett when I get frustrated with him. It’s over stupid stuff like when he scratches the mess out of me with his talons. Why are they long though? Because I really hate cutting them. Sigh. Babies shouldn’t be born with nails in my opinion.

Anyways, just wanted to have an honest Relbot Mamahood moment. Everything is a learning process when you become a mom. It’s constantly “yes this works… no that didn’t work. Wow that was an epic fail.”

I’m thankful that I have a husband who reminds me that even though I feel like I’m failing, often I’m not. If you’re struggling with the thoughts of failure, know that most likely you’re not.

If you read my blog, you might remember that Patrick and I have a 4 year old habit that we need to break now that Bennett has arrived. What is it?

Biting our nails? No. Eating too much little caears pizza? Maybe… How about eating dinner in our living room. Yes.

Patrick and I have eaten dinner on our couches since day one of marriage. We MAYBE have eaten at our kitchen table 5 times in the past 4.5 years. Our table has only been a home to snail mail, our aloe plant Marley and the various arts and craft projects I embark on.

Patrick and I both grew up eating dinner around a kitchen table. We want Bennett to grow up eating dinner aroudn the kitchen table. What is hard though is breaking the habit of watching our favorite show while eating dinner on the couch. Even when I was 38 weeks pregnant, I would sit on the floor of our living room and use the coffee table to eat off of. It never even crossed my mind that maybe sitting at a table might make things easier. It’s just what we have always done.

We will be introducing food to Bennett once he turns 6 months so we knew when Bennett turned 4 months we needed to start introducing our new family routine. So this week I placed Bennett’s high chair at the table and made it a purpose to plan dinner at the table that night.

Night one? Weird but good.

Night two? Completely forgot. We ate dinner in the living room as usual.

Last night? After a stressful day we reluctantly sat at the table but we did it!

You might not understand why this even deserves a blog post but it’s a big deal to us! It’s just another Relbot Adventure that we have embarked on. It will be fun to look back on this post when Bennett is 5 and we have forgotten the days of couch eating while watching our favorite shows.

Patrick said something to me the other day while we did Bennett’s bedtime routine that really struck my heart strings. Well…. it actually made me sad but thinking of Bennett growing up in general is such a bittersweet thought process.

“Bennett won’t remember any of this.”

Some of the sweetest moments I have had with Bennett, he won’t remember them when he get’s older. He won’t remember me rocking him in the middle of the night, he won’t remember the day he was born which completely changed my life or many other events that will happen his first year.  

These past four months have been filled with so much love, joy, hard work and patience as Patrick and I have morphed into being mom and dad… and he won’t remember any of it. One reason I love to journal, blog, take pictures and videos, is so that we can remember the little things.

For example, one of my favorite things to do is wake Bennett up in the morning (or go in there to get him). He doesn’t often wake up crying, normally we hear him cooing and talking over the monitor and we know he is ready to eat. I decided to capture a short video of me waking him up so that I can show him when he is older.

Enjoy one of my favorite videos to date of my sweet little boy.

I saw the most fantastic video floating on Facebook a few days ago. I’m not usually one to watch and share things or look at all the little video’s that are on there now a days. However, I decided to click the link and watch the video and well… you should watch it for yourself too.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Me9yrREXOj4

So perfect, right??? It’s such a great reminder that no matter how you decide to raise your child, we are all parents. We all (hopefully) have the best intentions in our hearts for our little ones. I forget where I read it, probably another blog, but as mom’s we are putting so much pressure on ourselves because of social media, pinterest inspired crafts, spotless and smudge free homes, and filters that make our lives look picture perfect. Anyways, it got me thinking of some advice I received over the summer from a mama of five who are ALL under the age of 5!!! Her words spoke to me then but now that Bennett has arrived, they resonate even louder.

“Figure out what works and doesn’t work for your family and stick to that”

Ok, those might not be her EXACT words but that is what I took away from it. For example, she doesn’t attend birthday parties. With 5 children and birthday parties always on the weekend, she values her limited family time on the weekends over going to tons of birthday parties.

It works for her family so that is what she does and she doesn’t apologize for it. 

The stuff that  worked for Patrick and I as a family has changed since Bennett has arrived. There has been one thing that works for our family and that is Bennett’s bedtime routine. From day one we have kept the same time and bedtime routine with very little exceptions. I guard this routine with everything I have in me. Why? Because it works for my family. Bennett is a great sleeper and I don’t operate very well with very little sleep. Never have. Probably never will. I am pretty flexible throughout the day with what time he eats, naps, does…. but come 7:45. I’m strict. I’m stubborn. I don’t want to compromise the routine. Bennett and I are both getting a good nights rest and it is what works for us.

Before Bennett was born, I read babywise. I was armed and ready to sleep train, cry it out and get him on a schedule. Then he was born and I decided it just wasn’t for me and my family. It was actually one event that changed it all for both Patrick and I. Around a week old, we had done our bedtime routine, put him in his crib, had the monitors on and went to bed. Fifteen minutes later, I hear Bennett crying. I was exhausted and sleep deprived. He’s a week old, eating throughout the night and we knew that co-sleeping wasn’t for us. I thought, “Hey, this is a great time to let him cry it out (a babywise term)”. He cried for a few minutes and then stopped. I felt relief and then something seemed off. I looked at the monitor, he was kind of flailing and I decided to go check on him even though he wasn’t crying anymore.

Sheer panic as I went into his room. He had spit up and was gagging on his vomit. Like, trying to gasp for air, spit up all around him, eyes turning red, not breathing. I screamed for Patrick, and after some desperate attempts to clear his airways, he was fine and I broke down in tears. I ignored him when he needed me. I let him cry it out when he was actually crying to tell me something was wrong. Patrick and I decided that crying it out wasn’t for us that night. Babywise didn’t work for us. It probably could but we have decided it’s not the path we want to take. That’s just us though! Do what works for YOU!

Bennett has never been much of a crier. He fusses occasionally but normally when he cries, it’s because something is wrong or he’s hungry. From the beginning, he has put himself to sleep without crying. It’s not due to anything we have done as parents, it’s just his personality. We haven’t had to do any sleep training and he typically sleeps for 9 pm to 5 am now before eating and then going back to bed until around 7:30. The only credit I can give to him being a great sleeper, other than Bennett just being Bennett, is our bedtime routine. We make sure that at 7:45 we start his routine. Both Patrick and I get him ready for bed every night, we then pray for him and finally I feed him and put him in his crib for the night. I then get ready and go to bed right after he is down. I normally am asleep by 9:30. Every. Single. Night. It’s the same but it works for us.

We have had to decline going to events or leave early because it interferes with his bedtime and my “bedtime”. I don’t operate well on little sleep and since Bennett is sleeping so well at night, I rather do what works for us than to take a chance. I rather feel great during the day than stay up late or have Bennett miss his bedtime and neither of us sleep well. Bennett and I both are morning people. 5 am? No problem. 4:30 am? It’s not the worst time of the day for me. 11 at night? I think the world is ending.  We start to fall apart at night. We get cranky, tired and melt downs (from both of us) are highly likely.

Some of the best advice I have received is to do what works for your family and don’t feel guilty about it! Just don’t! I have spent too many nights feeling guilty about sticking to my guns about his bedtime but it is what works for us! Hey, when he gets older, it might change but for now… this is what we do. I might be a semi-crunchy mama, but it’s what works for my family. We do cloth diapers, baby wearing, amber teething jewelry, essential oils…. whatever. It is what works for my family. Do what works for yours! We are all parents with the best intentions in our hearts!

So, if you’re struggling with guilt about doing something that works for your family because it isn’t what everyone else is doing. DON’T FEEL GUILTY! Do whatever works for your family. You’re going to be the best judge of what works for in your household.

Happy parenting with whatever works for you and your household 🙂

I just had to take 2000 cell phone pictures off of my phone because I ran out of room to take more photos…. SO here are some that I wanted to add to the blog 🙂 

If you have more than one kid, you’re going to laugh at me about this post. I can see you now, chuckling and shaking your head.

From day one, Bennett has pretty much been with me 24/7. He is breastfed every 2-3 hours during the day which means I can’t go too far without being back to feed him. So, you can understand my anxiety as a first time mom to leave my baby. I remember the first time I left Bennett with Patrick to go jean shopping. Or the first time I put him in his crib to nap during the day. It’s a weird feeling of loneliness that happens… at least it was for me. I get so use to having him around that when he isn’t, it feels really weird.

The past 3 months, we have brought Bennett to church a few times but I just wasn’t ready to leave him in the nursery so I would wear him in the moby. We were mostly avoiding germs and large crowds but since he will be three months on Christmas day, we decided it was time to get back to our normal church going routine. This past Saturday, we decided that Sunday was going to be the day we left him for the first time. It is such a first mom thing to be so hesitant to drop of your child but I was literally fighting off anxiety thinking about leaving him.  I had nightmares the night before. Can you believe I actually lost sleep over it?!?! I knew the ladies in the nursery were completely competent to take care of Mr. B but my heart was seriously struggling with the idea.

Sunday morning came and Patrick was pep talking me through dropping him off. “Let’s not traumatize him by making a big deal out of it. Just say goodbye and go.” Say goodbye and go?!?! What if he needs me? What if something goes horribly wrong and I’m not there? What if he is starving and they don’t know he’s hungry so they just let him cry. These were all things that were racing through my head as I got our family ready for church.

Mr. B was exhausted by the time we arrived at church so I pulled him out of his car seat, half asleep and walked us to the nursery. This was it. I was leaving him for the first time. I was greeted by two amazing nursery workers who I KNEW would take good care of my baby. I handed my love bug over to them, they took my diaper bag and it was time to leave him.

I walked out and left him and I went to service with Patrick. It was like a mini date. I’m not going to lie though, I checked the clock every five minutes. I received a text from my good friend Allison during service who helped me conquer the emotions of the drop off of Mr. B, “You’re gonna make it mama, no worries!”.

By the time service was almost over and it was time for me to go feed Bennett, I was so excited to see how his first nursery experience was. He was still asleep in the arms of a nursery worker whenever I returned. My heart was happy. He didn’t even realize that I had left him. My anxiety had vanished and life was good.

I know you’re laughing hysterically at me now that I have admitted my anxiety over such a small event but yesterday felt like conquering a mountain!

It was quite the adventure for me but he didn’t even know it.