What a whirlwind this past weekend was. An absolute GO GO GO, one thing after another, what is this thing you call sleep, weekend.

I did it! I ventured out, flew on a plane for the first time (alone), navigated an international airport, rode a couple of trains to rent a car, conquered the most ridiculous ATL traffic (it was so bad, it made the news!), survived 48 hours of wedding weekend while still pumping breastmilk and made it all back in one piece.

I’ve been planning the details of this trip for over 6 months. The anxiety of leaving Bennett was so intense at times that I just wanted to say, The heck with it and not leave. Yes, the actual act of leaving him was emotionally tough but what stressed me out even more was not having enough pumped breastmilk for him while I was gone. Thankfully, everything worked out better than I could have imagined.

My mom arrived Friday morning to watch B for the day and take me to the airport. That morning was so emotional. It was Bennett Journey’s FIRST BIRTHDAY! I was up at 4 to make sure that I had everything packed and ready before he woke up. I crept into his room to stare at him while he slept until after a few back rubs, he jumps up and immediately starts babbling. He smiles at you with his closed eyes while he adjusts to the light. I picked him up and sang him happy birthday…. and of course bawled.

I think he knew I needed the morning to go free of tears from him so that I could get on the plane. I wanted to leave on a happy note, not a stressed out one. Thankfully, it was a wonderful morning. 🙂

I drove to RDU with my mom and B in the car and we switched at the departure lane and said goodbye. I left B in the car and gave him a kiss still strapped in because I would have wasted a $300 plane ticket if he cried as I left. My mom drove off and I was on my own.

I ventured through security and received a lovely pat down from TSA. Apparently they didn’t like my shiny gold cardigan as much as I did. I used the coffee mug that Patrick bought me the day before and filled it up with Starbucks, found my gate, sat down and started to read my book. I had about 45 minutes before I boarded.

I am notorious for over packing. I didn’t have that luxury this trip though because I had to be the one carrying everything (including lifting it into an overhead bin). My first plane was really nice. I played sodoku on the screen on the seat and by the time I finished my second game, we were landing. The guy sitting next to me awkwardly watched me as I played and nodded his head every time I entered a number. HA.

TOUCHDOWN IN ATL! I was early! Little did I know that I would actually make it to the resort until that evening. First of all, trying to get to the car rental place in the ATL airport is 2 train rides away. I only had 2 freak out moments during my entire trip. The first one was getting on the first train. The doors were closing, people were piling in and I couldn’t figure out which stop I needed to get off on. Thankfully, a few deep breaths, reading a few signs and I was good to go.

My second freak out moment was the ATL traffic. I know that it’s bad and was prepared for it to be bad but THIS. THIS WAS INSANE. A tractor trailer had flipped off a highway apparently and all lanes, everywhere were at a standstill. My 50 minute car ride turned into 2.5 hours of stop and go. I completely missed the rehearsal and was starting to wonder if I would make it to the dinner!

I did make it though and after about an hour of being OUTSIDE of the car, I was able to start relaxing and really enjoying myself. It was great seeing old friends, making new friends and catching up with everyone.

I was awake for 21 straight hours the first day. HA. Goodness. I had fun with everyone and I’m not entirely sure how my eyelids stayed open but they did!

The wedding day was long but I felt glamorous. I didn’t feel like a mom for the first time in long time. The hairstylist ROCKED my hair and I actually had time to really do my make up. I also drank a latte everyday I was gone (like I said I would!)

The bride was stunning. Her wedding was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever attended. She didn’t let the constant rain and dreary weather ruin her day!

We partied the night away. Between delicious food, great music, an amazing photobooth and fantastic company, a great time was had by all!

I also didn’t get a ride back to the lake house until 1 and didn’t get to sleep until 2:30, only to be back up at 6:30 to start my trek back to the airport.

Going back wasn’t as nearly as stressful… just exhausting. With very little sleep in 2 days, I could have fallen asleep in many places throughout the airport. I managed to return the car, find a carribou coffee and buy a latte and a muffin…. except I left the muffin and someone stole it. My $4 muffin!!!! Thankfully, when I realized I left it and returned for it, the ladies behind the counter gave me another one, free of charge. I chugged my coffee, ate my muffin and slept almost the entire flight home.

My guys picked me up from the airport. I was expecting B to be more excited to see me but he was so fascinated by my rolling suite case, I had to force a hug out of him. 😉 He apparently didn’t cry once the entire weekend! 🙂

Now I’m back and I’ve hit the ground running. It’s the busiest year yet, for MJP! Sessions every weekend into December and bookings already for 2016. I’m not entirely sure how much time I will have to update the blog…. but we shall see. Say a prayer for me? I’m trying to juggle a lot this fall and all I know is that I’ll need a lot of Jesus and coffee…. 

I woke up at 5 am this morning and all I could think about was how different my life is today vs. 1 year ago. Maybe it’s the first child, first year that changes you the most… but there are days that I can’t even wrap my head around how crazy (good) our lives are now.

1 year ago today, my water broke at 4:50 in the morning. Being a mom has changed me. It’s so hard to explain how one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life, is also the one of the best things. The most rewarding. The tears of frustration I cry when I get overwhelmed are so worth it because I have a little boy who looks up at me and says, “Hey mom”. Those words are real jewels though because he loves to tell you about his Da Da.

I didn’t know what I was getting into whenever we made the decision to get pregnant and have a baby. I didn’t know how physically, mentally and emotionally hard it would be. I also didn’t know how much I could fiercely love another human. How at the end of the day when I’m falling asleep sitting up and nothing is more enticing than my pillow, I still want to wake up and do it all over again.

Some days I feel more like a mom zombie, than Ann. Who is this Ann woman who likes to read, paint, create, workout, blog…? Some days, I get lost in the shuffle of the daily tasks. I get put on the back burner, along with dinner as I try to get it ready in time…. but when that little boy wraps his arms around my neck and squeezes me close and lets me hold him for a few minutes…. I come alive again. I’m reminded that I’m doing one of the most important jobs out there. That I only get one chance at raising this little boy to be a world changer, a gentleman, a hard worker and hopefully a husband and father one day.

There are days when I feel like I’m unstoppable and stand victorious on the mountain top and days when I say hello and swim a little too long with the  bottom dwellers of the ocean. It all ebbs and flows and can change sixteen hundred times in one day. Mamahood never gets easier, just different.

Every day, I have to choose to give Bennett back to God. God is the one who has a mighty and amazing plan for his life and I’m just the earthly body to help guide him, love him, support him. Everyday I have to point him back to the Gospels and the life saving truth that Jesus is Lord, the Word of God is alive and powerful. I want to show him God’s real and powerful love, mercy and grace in the way that the scripture talks about.

Another huge thing that I wanted to talk about is tomorrow marks reaching one of my biggest accomplishments. I am so proud of myself for this. Tomorrow, I reach 1 full year of breastfeeding.

I was so nervous about breastfeeding before I gave birth. I’m a planner and it’s not something you can really plan out or practice… so it terrified me. There have been COUNTLESS times that I have wanted to give up. I persevered through it though. I pushed through, poor latching in the beginning and 7 weeks of thrush. I pushed through the middle of the night feedings. I pushed through nursing while out and about. I pushed through the crazy comments people say to you (especially when you start nearing 1 year old), I pushed through ANOTHER round of Thrush. I pushed through the teething and biting stage. I pushed through the hours, days, weeks, months and now a year. My goal has always been 1 year. When I return from GA, we start the weaning process. I need my body back for awhile before we decided to start this whole process over again. I’m so proud of myself for sticking with this. I did it. 

Oh and you better believe I will be drinking latte’s in the middle of the day, everyday while I’m gone this weekend. #nobabytofeed #freedom

I also am planning a day trip for myself to celebrate my 1 year mark. Patrick will watch Bennett and I will disappear for an entire day. No baby to feed. No worrying about pumping while I’m gone. No worries in the world. 🙂

The past two years from finding out we were pregnant, to my water breaking, to laboring all day and night, to surviving the newborn phase and keeping a human alive for an entire year….. what a journey. HA! No pun intended.

My life is busier than I ever thought possible, crazier than I imagined but overflowing with blessings. To God be the glory.

Thankful for this past year. ❤

This week, I get to check off a huge personal bucket list item. I’m flying on a plane, entirely alone.

Why is that such a big deal? I’ve flown before but never alone. You see, I’ve always had the security blanket of Patrick to help guide me.

Let me explain….when you get married at 19, you kind of skip over the time that most people are exploring and learning to do things on their own. Instead, I explored, traveled the world, took on new and exciting adventures, but they were all with Patrick. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that either! I loved every minute of it!

We celebrate 5 years in 2 months and it wasn’t until a few years ago that I created my own personal bucket list to make sure I still had/have individual goals, dreams and bucket list items that were for just me. As much as having a spouse is amazing and awesome, it’s also still important to do things just for you.

I’m naturally a hermit crab who dreams of traveling the world but is slightly terrified to actually do it. Our first cruise was a nightmare because I was in tears from the idea of getting off the boat and for whatever reason getting left behind. Patrick has been good for my soul though. My adventurous husband has patiently waited outside of my hermit crab home and whispered kind and reassuring words to coax me out over the years. I do spend more time outside of the shell now than in! 🙂 It’s crazy how you see that in your kids as well. Bennett has a small hermit shell of his own. Patrick calls him cautiously outgoing. He takes his time to warm up to an environment and then he’s all in.

2 years ago, I was able to check a smaller bucket list item off of my list. – Drive outside of the triangle by myself (preferably to the beach).

Patrick drives everywhere for us. He enjoys driving, I don’t, so we make a great team. Driving to Florida? He does the whole trip. Driving just a few cities over? He does it. Driving through the night? He does it. He rather be the one driving and I rather be the one sleeping 😉 HOWEVER, I realized a few years ago that I had never driven outside of the triangle by myself. The furthest was Clayton…. SO, when the chance to drive to the beach to meet up with Patrick, arose. I took it on with excitement! I checked it off my list. 🙂

A few months ago, I checked another one off of my list. Assemble an entire piece of furniture by myself. This was a huge one because if you know ANYTHING about my husband… you know that he can build or fix anything. Literally anything. It’s insane. BUT because of that awesome talent of his, I typically leave the building up to him. When we redid our living room though, I decided it was time to check one off the bucket list. I assembled our cabinets ENTIRELY by myself… with very little injury. Ok, let me explain, I was trying to put the top of the cabinet on and I shifted, took a step and the side of my foot caught the sharp end of the hammer and well… the hammer won that fight. I feel so accomplished though when I look at the cabinet. I carry around pride, knowing that I did it!

SO, this Friday, I get to check off a HUGE bucket list item. I’m flying to Georgia all by myself. Not only that… but this will be the first time I’ve ever left Bennett longer than 5 hours for work. Say a prayer for me ok??  Now that it is only a few days away, I’m getting more excited than nervous. I’m in a wedding down in GA and so I decided to fly and rent a car instead of drive. This allowed me to spend more time with Bennett that morning, celebrating his birthday, while still making it to the rehearsal in GA. It will be a big day for me! I’ll also be driving an hour through Atlanta to get to the resort. Pray I don’t get lost!!! SO, realistically, I’m checking off three things for my bucket list….

1. Fly alone
2. Rent a car
3. Drive in a different state alone

Miss independent over here! 😛 Just kidding. In all seriousness, having a bucket list like that became so important to me when I kept hearing of friends whose grandpa’s died and the grandmas can literally do nothing because they had depended on their husbands their entire life. We never expected to lose my dad, but I’m so thankful that my mom was an independent woman who could still run a household and work. I want to make sure that I still know how to do anything and everything even if I decide to let Patrick do it instead.

Over the past 5 years, I’ve never taken a trip away from home by myself. Patrick typically has taken one or two trips a year, but when I started to think about it, I realized that I haven’t! When you’re married, you tend to just do everything together. It wasn’t until I started planning my GA trip that I realized this is my first time doing a trip by myself. I’m excited yall!

SO, I have two more big bucket list items that will be getting checked off in the next month or two but I’ll save those for another blog post. 🙂

AND not all of my bucket list items are domestic 😉 So don’t worry.

Do you have any bucket list items you want to share? What’s the most recent one you checked off? Have any tips for flying or renting a car?

I can’t believe we celebrated Bennett Journey’s first birthday party this past weekend. It truly is mind boggling how we have arrived to the one year mark so fast.

Let me tell you about my experience with planning and executing Bennett’s first birthday party. I have decided party planning isn’t my happy place.

From the start, I knew I wanted it to be an aviation/travel theme, just like his nursery. I’ve been pinning things on Pinterest for months! That’s the thing though, Pinterest can easily take a simple birthday party and turn it into an overwhelming occasion. I wanted the day to be perfect but I was on the struggle bus all the way until it was over.

I didn’t want it at my house because we had a 63 person guest list. That’s a lot of people. So I started looking into venues…. until I realized that renting a venue was either going to be too far or too much money. I finally decided that there was no other option than to have it at my house. Then came the biggest problem with that. We live in a culdasac and there is literally NO ADDITIONAL PARKING. Even when we have friends over, the biggest question is, “Where do I park?” Now trying multiplying that problem by 20 families.

A few weeks prior to the big date, we went to a birthday party out at a park in Rolesville. I walked up and said, well, this is it. This is where we are going to have the party. Thankfully the rental fee was minimal, we were under a shelter if it rained, there were playgrounds for the kids to play on and plenty of parking. Sweet relief.

I rented a shelter, announced it to friends and started buying and decorating. Here’s the thing. As a first time mom, I received the, “Birthday parties cost WHAT?!” slap in the face. I had a budget of $100 for his birthday. That easily went out the window when just buying the stuff for invitations was $22. I eventually nixed the birthday invitations because by the time I bought a new ink cartridge, stamps and the time invested, it stressed me out more than it needed to. Hooray for FB invites! No shame in my game.

Yea, so we spent around $200 for Bennett’s first birthday. I told Patrick that next year, we are going to go to take him to the Zoo and buy a hotel room and call it done. I know that first birthdays are different but my goodness, I truly didn’t know that they were so expensive (and ours was really really low key). Heads up to all the other first time moms coming up on the big O-N-E.

I had a huge long list of things that I wanted to for his party but in reality, I didn’t have enough time or energy and didn’t want to invest more money into a 2 hour long party. I spent so many naptimes and evenings working on what I DID do, that I’m not sure how I could have done more without letting something else in my life go to the wayside. After we got everything set up, thankfully it turned out way better than I initially thought it would.

The day was perfect. It was a little hot at times but other than that, I walked away feeling accomplished and my heart was overflowing from the love that B received on his special day. I’m so thankful for the grandma’s who put in a lot of sweaty hard work to help me set up and execute the day.

My awesome husband, who has been working 60+ hours a week even found the time and energy to make and frost Bennett’s smash cake. He put a lot of love and hard work into it and it turned out so well!!! ❤ Another reason why I love my guy. He’s a family man through and through.

Also a HUGE part of the day was having another photographer at Bennett’s event. When you’re a photographer, sometimes you just don’t want to take pictures for yourself. It turns into more work, more time editing, makes your to-do list even longer and you’re left with not actually enjoying and experiencing an event because you’re in work mode. I’m so thankful for Lauren who took beautiful and timeless images of our day. THANK YOU for letting me be a mom and not a photographer for a day. ❤

       

It was so great to be surrounded by the ones we love and to celebrate Bennett. As we sang him happy birthday and I looked at everyone who surrounded us, all I could think about is how awesome this last year has been. I thought about how lonely I was when B was first born and now look at how far we both have come. Making 63 cupcakes wasn’t my favorite but thinking that 63 people were coming to love on and celebrate one of the most important people to me… that meant everything.

Thank you to everyone who came. It means the world.

It’s hard to stop and sit and turn off the lists upon lists of things that need to be done. It’s like the Star Wars intro that scrolls. It seems like it’s never ending. Even as I sit here and type, there are unfolded clothes thrown onto the couch to my left, Bennett’s pacifier on the ground, cardstock and washi tape on my end table from constructing stuff for B’s party…. there are always things to be done. I went to sleep last night without doing my nightly clean up.

One of the hardest things this past year has been to find time (and discipline)  to be quiet, alone and in the Word. To close the door and sit at the feet of Jesus. To hand him my tired heart and busy mind and find the refreshing and renewing strength that comes from being in the Word.

Again, I struggle with always thinking I can do better. Do more. I struggle with a Martha personality.

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Luke 10:38-42 Amplified Bible (AMP)

Martha and Mary

³⁸ Now while they were on their way, Jesus entered a village [called Bethany], and a woman named Martha welcomed Him into her home. ³⁹ She had a sister named Mary, who seated herself at the Lord’s feet and was continually listening to His teaching. ⁴⁰ But Martha was very busy and distracted with all of her serving responsibilities; and she approached Him and said, “Lord, is it of no concern to You that my sister has left me to do the serving alone? Tell her to help me and do her part.” ⁴¹ But the Lord replied to her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered and anxious about so many things; ⁴² but only one thing is necessary, for Mary has chosen the good part [that which is to her advantage], which will not be taken away from her.”

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When you’re a mom, wife, business woman, friend (17 other hats), the lists are never ending. As soon as you check one thing off, there is need to add 4.5 more things.

Some days I imagine Jesus just standing in my kitchen, with a soft smile on His face watching me run around like a chicken with it’s head cut off. Going in a million directions, needing an extra set of hands, emotionally trying to keep it together as my 1 year old is being stepped on because he feels like distance between us is overrated. I keep saying, one second Jesus. I’ll be right with you. Just hold on. I’m coming. Oh, B just pulled every muffin tin out of the cabinet. Hold on, Jesus. Let me clean that up and then I’ll be with you. He eventually grabs a chair and sits because He’s been waiting so long. Oh Jesus, one second. I need to start dinner. Could you just camp out for a few minutes longer? I’ll be right with you. Finds that B isn’t under my feet but has ventured off and found his way into the toilet. Jesus. I’m so so so sorry. I need to go clean up my germ infested child. Jesus, can I get you a glass of water while you wait? Let me wash my hands first as I just was holding a flailing toilet water covered little boy who is crying because he doesn’t understand why toilets are on the don’t touch list. Jesus patiently waits and stares at me. . not with the you’ve missed our appointment eye roll stare but instead with the, I’m here for you. I’m not going anywhere.

I have a Martha personality. There’s nothing wrong with having a Martha personality. Just don’t let it overshadow your Mary heart. 

I love the early mornings. It’s quiet. I can drink my coffee before it gets cold. I feel prepared to conquer the day before B wakes up. I can use the bathroom without anyone trying to come in and open every cabinet drawer and eat every possible toxic item there is. Can I get an Amen?!

I love the early mornings because I’m not exhausted to the point where my eyelids shut involuntarily from the weights that somehow got hooked to them throughout the day.

Early mornings allow me to sit and soak in who God is. His love for me. I find hope and joy in the day. When I try and have quiet time in the evenings, it usually results in me feeling regret and sorrow over what I could have done differently, what I could have done more of, how I could of been a better mom, wife, business owner. It’s not the same.

There is hope in the morning.

It’s another reason why I like going to bed with a clean house. It helps me sit and relax when I get up (what a foreign concept) and really focus on having good quality time with God. It helps me temporarily shut off the Star Wars type lists that scroll through my mind.

It’s hard to not let a Martha personality overshadow a Mary heart. Jesus starts off at the top of our lists but somehow ends up in the section that gets put off until tomorrow…. and then the next day… and the next day. He is left standing in my kitchen staring at me. Yet He never gives up on me. He says, “Let’s try again tomorrow”. He calls me with a gentle whisper of grace, hope, mercy and love. A demonstration of a relentless love pursuit. 

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Matthew 11:28-30 Amplified Bible (AMP)

²⁸ “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavily burdened [by religious rituals that provide no peace], and I will give you rest [refreshing your souls with salvation]. ²⁹ Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me [following Me as My disciple], for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest (renewal, blessed quiet) for your souls. ³⁰ For My yoke is easy [to bear] and My burden is light.”

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Moms, wives, business women. Let’s not forget to put Jesus at the top of our lists. Everything else can wait. Let us find our strength and energy in Him and His word. Are you physically exhausted? Emotionally drained? Feel like everyday is an uphill battle? When’s the last time you sat, soaked and were renewed in the Word?

Jesus, today I choose you. You’re at the top of my list.

While thinking of topics I wanted to talk about that really related to the first year, my mind kept coming back to my post baby body. What a amazing and crazy two years it has been. Why do you say 2? Well, almost a year of a hard pregnancy and then a very long and hard birth and finally a year of breastfeeding.

We live in such a oversexualized and photoshopped world that a post baby body is looked at with more shame and disgust than admiration and awe. The movies turn labor and delivery into a dramatic horror show instead of a beautiful and life changing moment. How we should bounce back and look after birth is often far from the reality.

If you’ve read my blog at all this past year, you know that I gained 50 lbs during my pregnancy. My body hung onto every single calorie that I ate. The crazy  part is, I didn’t start gaining weight until 18 weeks because I was so sick I lost 12 lbs. So I lost 12 lbs over 18 weeks and then in 21 weeks, I gained 50. Saying that still makes me grit my teeth. That is A LOT of weight for my 5 foot 3 inch frame.

Does the beauty and worth of the same woman change from picture to picture? No. 

Then why do I struggle with picture #2? 

The world has skewed the definition of beauty. 

I’m a part of a very small group of women, we call ourselves The Tribe. We have a secret Facebook page that allows us to get real, talk about real things, ask hard questions, find support from like minded woman. It’s a safe zone. Before you shake your head and call it a false and unreal friendship, we are all real life and in person friends too. ❤ The facebook page just lets us communicate with everyone all at once (like a group text).Some days we post jokes, some days we share our struggles. I decided to ask them to help me with this blog post.

I asked, “How do you honestly feel about your baby body?” They all agreed that I could anonymously share their answers because they were so great. Very moving. Read it as you would read Facebook comments coming one after another. Each bullet means it’s a new person talking. I’ve removed all the names. The thing I love about this group is that we are all very different. Different backgrounds, ages, religious beliefs, body types and births…. you name it, we’re different. What brings us together though is that we are all crunchy (natural minded) and we all have kids.

Here are some of their answers:

•  It took me a long time to be ok with my post baby body, but now I love it most of the time. There are things I’d like to change, but when I start to feel bad about it, I gently remind myself how freaking awesome it is! It grew two babies. It birthed two babies (like a champ). And it’s fed two babies. One baby with some supplementing and one completely on its own. Of course that kind of amazing-ness is going to show some signs of happening.
• Immediately after I am annoyed with it. Not fitting into clothes and not having stuff to wear. After 6-8 mo I feel good. Stretch marks don’t bug me at all but mine are minimal. I have a scar from a belly button ring in college… How can I really complain about scarring from child-bearing?! I mostly struggle with my body seeming to fall apart (age and disease). Like my hand hurts so bad today and I don’t know why. The varicose veins are really annoying and frustrating.
• hate hate hate my belly!!! like I look at it every morning with full on hate…..on the other hand….I love my c-sec scar. that I am proud of. no, I never wanted it..I have been opened 4 times and have 4 beautiful babies! I weigh less now than when we were married but nothing looks the same! everything hangs or flops
• I love my body! It’s taken a long time to get here, a lot of “retraining” my brain, a lot of unsubscribing to social standards (I don’t buy those horrible magazines that talk about weight loss all the time or watch any TV that is all about looks – usually reality stuff- or engage in body bashing talk or read articles about weightless or use “fitspiration”), and some days I still buy into the bs that is our social preoccupation with women’s bodies, but most of the time I don’t. I truly don’t care anymore. I don’t care how other people view what I look like. I know my worth doesn’t lie in what I look like. I think some of it has come with age, but most has come with awareness of how messed up the women’s “role” in our society is, and refusing to buy into it anymore.
  I want to help more women love their bodies too
• I agree that it helps to remember that what we are IS normal. You can apply countless creams and do countless surgeries and inject yourself with countless things to make it disappear, but that’s ABNORMAL. And like ^^^^ touched on, tv and magazines and media is so so fake. I mean… like coated in make-up and touched-up fake. You know, as a photographer, how much you can alter with the click of a button. But there’s real life beneath and all women struggle to a degree at some point. It’s a daily choice to love yourself.
• Funny I was just talking to ******* about my belly this morning. She was watching me change and said “Ew, I see your belly.” And I asked, “what do you mean, ew? My stomach shows I’m a mommy and that I have had three babies!”
  Unfortunately my own mom hates her belly from having 5 kids. And my girls asked to see her belly button and she said her stomach is ugly from having kids.
  I had to have a talk with her and tell her not to call her stomach ugly because it’s going to make them believe after having a baby they’re “ugly”. That is the last thing I want them to believe. I want them to start knowing now that a woman who carried a baby into this world is marked as a trophy and testimony to everyone and herself of her amazing accomplishment.
  I constantly remind them I’m proud of my belly. Even though I may not think it at times (especially in summer) but it’s been something I had to overcome from my moms views and I don’t want them to overcome it- it should just be a know.
  I know it’s not easy. Especially when I see other women bounce right back to their pre-pregnancy bodies and I did with the twins but not this time.
  I have been working to get my body close to what I am happy with. Not where I was. I won’t ever have the body I once had and I’m okay with that, that body doesn’t bear proof of child bearing, but I can get to a place where I am healthy and feel good about myself by taking care of my body.
• Oooo… I also think about how God never designed childbirth and motherhood to contain negativity. He created things perfectly and in perfect harmony. So the negative things are not of Him and then I try to choose to see things through His eyes. To allow myself to be annoyed by the fallen nature of things, but rejoice in His love and provision, which of course goes full circle in His love and provision in our Savior Jesus Christ. So when I have time to really think about life I find it easier to focus on God’s overwhelming love for me and then the things I don’t love so much about myself seem so meaningless in contrast. Because, they don’t matter. Not to God. And that’s the kind of love I want to share with other people. So I have to really own it to be able to share it.
• I was just thinking about how back in that time, child bearing was a MUST. And women who couldn’t have kids were basically useless. As terrible as it sounds. Women yearned to have children and women who did were glorified. So I would imagine in that time, having a body that showed proof of childbearing was a glorified body and women were very proud of it.
  Our time a culture really distorts what our bodies should look like.
• That’s a huge part of this ^^^^^^^ I grew up with a mother that wouldn’t leave the house without make up and always talked bad about her body. She honestly hates herself. It had a ginormous impact on me. I never want my children to feel bad about their bodies because of how I feel about mine. When we show distain for parts of ourselves instead of love and compassion, our children start to feel that for themselves as well. We are role models for everything, self worth especially.
• Personally – not a huge fan of my body. Luckily my boys love it. And ******* even laid his head on my belly last night while we were cuddling – he said “I love your belly mom cause it’s so big” I’m sure he meant squishy but hey, he finds comfort in it. I’ve struggled more so on the self image because of the csection I think – cause I blame my body for failing. And the scar has giving me issues and it’s painful to run. But I’ve since found a solution to it.
• Yes! I think part of it was that time period. To be a confident woman and one that was proud of her body was looked down upon. Truthfully it still is today in many ways. My mom always would talk about how awful she looked without make up or how horrible her stomach was with her stretch marks. I love my mom and she helps us out so much, but she never has been a confident woman. She doesn’t love herself or her body. She’s allowed a lot of people to walk all over her. And that was what I learned. It’s taken a lot of time to overcome all of that. I refuse to raise my girls the same way. I want them to love their bodies now, and always. I’ve also told her she is not allowed to talk bad about her body in front of them. Society’s standards on beauty are constantly changing. And usually unrealistic. I make sure they know that I love my body and it’s done some really amazing things, and continues to do so. It’s not a trophy that’s meant to stay on the shelf. It’s a well oiled machine that is meant to do countless things. Also I’ve seen so many women give birth and In different ways. Let me tell the beauty of the mother far outshines any “damage”. There is nothing more beautiful than a mother. Our stretch marks should be honored. Our stretched skin, our extra fat reserves, our scars, and so many other things are signs of something so beautiful. They should be loved and appreciated, not looked at with hate.
• I should also follow up with – I was raised the same – mom always looked presentable (and she still won’t leave the house all done up). And my dad always made comments “oh should you be eating that?” Or “I just want you to be happy” he’d never say I’m overweight or fat but he’d applaud me when I was at my skinniest. So I struggled with my weight thought out high school and ended up borderline eating disorder. It’s not something that will ever stop for me. I look in the mirror and don’t see an amazing body that’s done so many things etc. I’m programmed to think – ugh those extra pounds do not look good. Luckily – I like eating – but I doubt I’ll ever love how I look. I won’t ever voice it in front of my kids though.
• The irony is that in Namibia older women, Memes, are all delightfully plump which is what they aspire to look like. It means they don’t have to work out in the field anymore and can relax. I was always complemented on how fat I was getting after a weekend away from my village. Such a different view of beauty.
• So right after having ********* I was very proud of my body. It had carried a baby, gave birth to that baby, and then proceeded to feed that baby. After a few months I was frustrated though for not being able to fit into my clothes and I hate my stretch marks. I working on getting past the way my stretch marks look. I’ve even promised myself that next summer I will wear a bikini. Simply because I was comfortable in a bikini before I had stretch marks even when I weighed more than I do now, so I refuse to let the stretch marks keep me from wearing what I want. Weight has always been a big issue though. My mom was picked on severely by her father for being chunky. She was also picked on in school for it. She never said bad things about my weight but would say things like “I just don’t want you to be made fun of.” I don’t blame her for those things. She genuinely just didn’t want me to go through the same thing she did. I feel the same way about my baby sister. I would never say anything but I am afraid she will be picked on in school and I feel like maybe she already has been. She recently asked me how much I weighed and I told her. She replied with “I’m only 7 and weigh a 100 pounds and you are 23 and only weigh 55 pounds more than me.” I just said that weight wasn’t something she needed to worry about. I didn’t know how to handle the situation and then I regretted even answering her question… My mom also made her weight an excuse as to why she couldn’t do stuff. I remember being small and asking her to race me and she would say things like, “I’m to fat to run.” We also went hiking and rock climbing with the girl scouts once and I begged my mom to come with me and she said she couldn’t because she was fat. I don’t know that stuff has always stuck with me. Again I don’t blame her or resent her for the things she said it just makes me very body conscious. I’m working on loving the way I look and being proud of the things my body has done.
• I don’t see my body as something post baby. Actually the parts of me that are post baby like boobs and stretch marks and even the tearing didn’t phase me. It’s the parts that I’m responsible for damaging that’s hard. But I’m trying to find a self acceptance place. Not meaning I won’t love me till I’m skinny. I’m just trying to love any shape I’m I’m because that’s how God has me shaped right now.

Here is was my input:

I mourn my skin. A good portion of my skin is covered in this. I know I can gain and lose weight but the thought of this never going away makes me sad.I have to remind myself as well that the baby was worth it but I’m still mourning.

I’ve done a lot of reflecting for this post… and over this past year. My initial reaction to my thoughts are to shame myself for even caring about how I look. Like, ohhhh Ann, it doesn’t matter. Don’t be conceited. It’s just skin. It’s just weight. None of those things define you.

You’re right. They don’t. I need to drop the shame though and instead I need a gentle reminder to acknowledge but don’t dwell. 

There is sadness because the skin I was in for 24 years is now very different but I can’t dwell on it. I can’t harp on it every single day. Mentally beating myself down. Acknowledge it, then move on. Here’s the thing though, you might have to do this several times a day.

Now this is often easier said than done, especially when everywhere you look has picture of what people idolize as the “perfect” body. It all comes back to the standard of beauty and where you find your worth. Are you defined by what the world says you should be/look like or do you find yourself in who God has said you are and called you to be?

My favorite verse (that’s at the top of the page) has been with me since high school and it reminds me of what is important when the world is screaming at you that you need to weigh x amount, have a cellulite-less body and fit into size x jean. Your boobs can’t sag, your butt needs to be perky, your face acne-less, your nose completely different.  The list is endless.

What’s precious to God though? A gentle and quiet spirit. The woman who sits at his feet. The woman who loves without reserve on her family and her community. The woman who see’s her worth not from the outside but instead, the inside. I’m preaching to myself. I still struggle with recognizing the internal worth and offering myself grace. I’m really really hard on myself. I don’t say that for sympathy, I just say it to let you know that we all have our struggles and I struggle with offering myself grace when I feel like I’ve failed. It can be a vicious internal cycle. Shoot – this blog post just got reallll. 😉 Trying to lighten the mood.

This is such a raw and revealing post for me. I don’t want to come across as “all I care about is my looks” but instead, I want there to be a sense of comradery. We have all dealt with this in some way or another. Some days it’s hard to process and deal with it all. Worthy of a blog post? I thought so. Or maybe you’re all just rolling your eyes at me? All 200+ of you who read. (Talk about intimidating).

There is no real end to this blog post. No tidy perfect ending. This journey is continuous. It’s a daily point to accept this new mom bod I have and to know that I’ll go through the same 2 year journey again (one day). It’s hard. Is it worth it? Absolutely. Do I need daily reminders to love myself because there is so much more than the outside shell? Yes.

So, if you have a new mom bod or a not so new mom bod but you’re struggling, let’s really work on giving ourselves more grace. Focus on seeing your worth because of the mighty God that dwells in you instead of the outside shell that faces the seasons as they change. Your beauty is internal. You’re not defined by the shell. No matter the shape, weight or condition of the exterior, it doesn’t change your worth or how much God adores you.

Compliment a friend today. I’m sure they need to hear it.

Online. Grocery. Shopping. 

It changed my life. I’m not joking.

Grocery shopping completely changed for me after I had Bennett. It no longer was just annoying to pop into the store… it was a complete overwhelming ordeal. I had to find a time that he wouldn’t be nursing. Get him ready. Get me ready. Pack the diaper bag. Carry in a car seat, keep him entertained…. the list goes on. It was horrible.

Then I discovered Harris Teeter Online Shopping. The first time was free so I tried it out and I was immediately sold.

What I love about Harris Teeter Online Shopping:

1. All of my recipes are on pinterest. So instead of pulling up Pinterest, writing down a list, taking to the store, trying to find everything, putting it into the cart, then onto the conveyer belt, then back into the cart, then into my car, then finally into my house all while juggling a baby….  This is what I do.
   1. Sit on my couch, open p interest and harris teeter online shop. Look at ingredients on Pinterest, Add them to my cart on Harris teeter. Drive to harris teeter, they load them into my car and then drive home and unload. HA. You tell me which one sounds better

2. The meat comes straight from the butcher in the shop. So. Much. Better.

3. If they are out of what you order, they will substitute you with a larger version or better version for the same price of what you ordered. For example. I order a small size of peanut butter on sale? They were out, so they give me the larger version for the SAME sale price as the smaller one. WINNING!

4. You can order days in advance. I order groceries every 2 days so that non of my vegetables or meat go bad. Patrick and I’s schedules are constantly changing and we use to waste SO much food simply because I would have already bought meat/produce and then our schedules would change and it wouldn’t get used.

5. You can sort items by brand, price, unit price, organic etc.

6. You can look at EVERYTHING that is on sale, all at the same time. Just click the “Specials” category!

7. I was worried that they would give me the ugly/bruised or rotten produce simply because I couldn’t go in and choose it myself. THIS IS SO FAR FROM THE TRUTH! They call you after they finish shopping and I have had them tell me that their (xyz) isn’t up to their own standards so they won’t give it to you. OR I asked for slightly green banana’s. They weren’t slightly green so they gave them to me for free.

8. I can order groceries and Patrick can pick them up on his way home.

9. I never get out of my car. It takes MAXIMUM 10 minutes to pick up groceries.

10. Snow storm coming? No worries. No fighting the crowds. Order online and go pick up! 😀

11. Going on vacation and don’t want to grocery shop when you get back? Order them before you leave, set up the pickup date/time for when you’re returning and swing by on your way home! VOILA!

12. Their customer service is impossible to beat.

13. You save so much money because you’re not impulse buying. You don’t see the doughnuts unless you search for them!

14. You can really see the price difference between stuff. You see unit prices, name brand vs non name brand. You see how much everything costs when you add it to your cart instead of being surprised at check out. It’s fantastic. Every budget-ers dream!

Here’s an example of what you see during online shopping. I searched Oatmeal. It shows me every single brand. You can search by Best Match, alphabetical order of brands, Lowest to high price or Unit price. You can click organic, HT brand, Different categories oatmeal could be in…

You see what’s currently on sale, on the main search and you can create different lists. So I created a Breakfast list and add oatmeal, bananas, bread, eggs, etc. SO that way I don’t have to search for oatmeal every time I need it. Just go to my breakfast list and it’s already there. Easy Peasy.

I paid $100 for this service for 1 year and it’s one of the best $100 I’ve ever spent.

SO – that is one of the best things I did during Bennett’s first year.

Oh those first two weeks. They truly are the hardest. I stand here almost a year later though and I can assure you, it does get better.

2 weeks old!

Excuse me while I sob as I plan his first birthday.

The first two weeks are actually a blur. I think if I didn’t have such a hard labor, maybe the first two weeks wouldn’t have been as hard? That’s the thing, I can only tell you my account of MY first two weeks. Your birth, your baby and your first two weeks can be the total opposite. So don’t let my account totally freak you out (all you first time moms). Or hey, if you’re a seasoned mom and you can agree that the first two weeks are the hardest, here is a digital fist bump and hashtag #wesurvived.

Ok, went into Labor 4:30 on Wednesday the 24th, He arrived on Thursday at 9:17 am on the 25th, We spent all day Thursday at the hospital, Thursday night and checked out Friday evening. I had to really think about all that because in all seriousness, it all is a blur. You lose track of days and times in the hospital.

I was on some serious pain killers after B was born so that doesn’t help. Now that I’m thinking back on it… I’m wondering how safe they were for B? Good thing to look into for baby #2.  I didn’t even second guess what they handed me… Hmmmm. I don’t think I could have done it though without whatever I was on. I did have to wean myself off of it after 2 weeks.

So you get home. Now what? Here are a few tips. 

1. Put a dark colored towel down on the couch where you will sit. That post postpartum bleeding is no joke. Thankfully nothing crazy ever happened, but it was nice to have it there. Same for your bed.
2. Take your pads… the largest heaviest overnight pads the store offers and put them in every bathroom. The last thing you want to do is go to one bathroom and not have what you need in there. I had a bathroom bin I carried from bathroom to bathroom that had my essentials… I’ll list those further down.
3. Have a water bottle. If you’re nursing, you’re going to get thirsty. DRINK A TON OF WATER!
4. Accept help. I’m really really really bad at this. BUT I’m so thankful for everyone who brought us food, gift cards, etc. Also my mom and Patrick’s mom were rockstars.

My postpartum bathroom essentials:

1. The peri bottle (it’s a squirt bottle) that they give you at the hospital is so essential. You’re not going to want to wipe with toilet paper. Things are going to be a little sore for a few weeks (again, maybe it was just me). Use the peri bottle and baby wipes. I found that the harris teeter brand feminine wipes most resembled the ones from the hospital which by far exceeded any that I bought once I got home. MAKE SURE THE WIPES DON’T HAVE ALCOHOL!!! That is the most important part.
2. Always overnight heaviest protection pads with wings! Ok, I was dumb and only bought one pack of these before B arrived…. which resulted in me sending P to CVS with a picture text, trying to find the right ones. Buy at least 2 packs. I promise you’ll go through them.
3.  Tucks Pads – These are the bomb.com. If you have stitches, these really really help and soothe.
4.  The numbing spray they give you at the hospital. Who even knew that this stuff existed?!?! Numbing spray for what, Ann?! Oh you know… use your imagination. You can spray it on directly or on the pad. #twothumbsup #thethingsnoonetalksabout
5. I had bought stuff for the frozen pads with witch hazel that you see on Pinterest…. never used them. The tucks wipes were virtually the same things.

Your body.

I wore pregnancy clothes into the hospital and pregnancy clothes out. Your body might bounce back quicker but just in case it takes a little longer, bring some comfy clothes to go home in

.

About 10 hours before I went into labor vs. 2.5 weeks postpartum. I think that was the hardest part to accept. Everything takes time. Your uterus was STRETCHED and now it has to shrink. Give your body grace, it just did something amazing.

OR you could fit back immediately into your prepregnancy clothes. There is no way to know. Everyone is different.

Funny story, when we brought B over to meet our neighbors, they were telling their son, “Look! Baby Bennett is on the outside now” and he looks at me, looks at my stomach and says, “Well… kind of… you still have one in there”. HA.

Everyone says, Sleep when they sleep.

 I’m not good at napping. Even when B was brand new and I was deliriously exhausted, I just couldn’t shut my mind off during the day to take a nap. One thing that really helped me though was I would nurse B around 7 pm, I would go to bed, Patrick would stay up until 11 pm downstairs with B and I would get 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep. I then would get up every 3-4 hours to feed him throughout the night. We did this for the first 2 weeks before B started getting on a schedule and we started an actual bedtime routine with him.  You just gotta do what works for you and your family! If napping works, GREAT! Do it! 🙂

Those hormones though…

There is so much preparation for the actual birth that once they arrive, you’re left not knowing what to expect. My postpartum hormones were intense. More intense than anything I have ever experienced. One thing that kind of blind sided me was I dealt with a lot of anxiety after B was born. All this stuff is normal and is your body regulating. After the first two weeks, everything starts to level out! (If it doesn’t, consider talking to your OB). Hang in there mama, it all gets better

It’s all a learning curve.

No matter which baby you’re on, it’s all a learning curve. It’s about having no expectations and taking it day by day. The first two weeks, you’ll start to figure out what your baby likes vs doesn’t like. Swaddled or not swaddled. Paci or no paci. Rocked, bounced or swung. Once you think you’ve got it figured out… it will change. The thing is, is It will never get “easier”, just different. A year later, B sleeps through the night but isn’t sleeping NEARLY as long during the day (newborns sleep a lot…. even if they don’t… they do). Now my days are starting at 4:45 am not because B is awake…. but because it’s the only time I have to do…. well anything…. without him. A year later and it’s still a learning curve. I’m sure whenever we have baby #2 I’ll have to write another “Those first two weeks (with 2 kids)” post.

The first two weeks = survival mode. Rest as much as possible. Take it day by day. Love on that little bundle of joy. Try not to get overwhelmed by them screaming/crying at you. Visit a lactation consultant if you’re having trouble with nursing. Try to verbalize your feelings with your spouse. The first two weeks are exhausting but you’ll get through them.

It’s all so worth it.

The month of September, I’ll be blogging and reflecting on my first year of mama hood. To start, let’s go back to before Bennett was here and waiting for his arrival. Here is my advice for all the first time mom’s who are anxiously awaiting their little ones.

Hello September! This time last year, I was anxiously awaiting my due date. Trying to imagine my what Bennett would look like. Hair? No hair? 6 lbs? 9 lbs? Tan like me? White like his daddy? 😉  My toes? His daddy’s nose?

How would labor start? Would I know it’s labor? Would my water break? Would I be ready?

So many unknowns for new moms. With Facebook, the anticipation is even worse. Everyone is stalking your page. It’s easier to know when a baby arrives. Heck, I’ve seen status updates from mom’s in labor!

One of my Facebook friends posted a picture of her cute pregnant self (she looked amazing) and I think she was a few days late. Everyone was commenting telling her of ways to get that baby OUT! We’ve all been there. You’re ready. Your body is tired. You’re so anxious to meet your little one after months and months of waiting. While reading the comments, all I could think about is, “What would I have done differently in those past few weeks?”

Especially at like 39 weeks, my advice to first time moms – go on some sort of date with your husband every day or night until that baby comes. Dinner dates, coffee dates, early morning dates. Spend as much quality time enjoying each other as just the two of you until your lives are changed forever by the tangible love that was created by your intimacy.

You’re never going to have this much alone time with your husband ever again (unless you sneak away on some sort of get away).

Bennett arrived and instantly our lives were changed. We were no longer just Patrick and Ann, we were mom and dad. We were a family of three. For months, what little extra energy we had was being directed towards a helpless little human being that needed us and less towards each other.

So, if you’re coming up on your due date. Go on some dates with your guy. Enjoy every last minute of just being two. ❤

39 weeks pregnant.

Our last coffee date…

simply because coffee too late in the day keeps Bennett awake.

The things you don’t think of….

He arrived 4 days later. 🙂

Have any other tips for first time moms that don’t include ways to get that baby out?