It’s new years eve. We are all saying goodbye to 2014 and welcoming all that 2015 has to offer. I will be honest though, I won’t be awake at midnight to see the ball drop, I’ll be asleep in my bed next to Patrick with the hopes of welcoming 2015 as a well rested mom.

2014 was a year of change for Patrick and I. We decided at the end of December of 2013 to try and have a baby and in January of 2014 we saw our first positive pregnancy test. It was a year of anticipation of Bennett Journey’s arrival and a year of God’s provision. It’s been an amazing year

January:

“Babe… I think I see a line….”

Telling our families!

February:

Facebook Official!

Seeing Bennett for the first time! What an amazing memory.

March:

Started showing at around 13 weeks!

April:

IT’S A BOY! We were so excited for Bennett Journey!

May:

Halfway done with my pregnancy!

June:

Trip to the zoo!

Bennett’s nursery was painted!

Birthday trip 🙂

Charlotte birthday trip 🙂

July:

Patrick led a construction trip to India!

Bennett’s amazing baby shower!

My favorite maternity picture.

August:

Solo flights for Patrick. One of my favorite pictures 🙂

The completion of Bennett’s Nursery at 37 weeks!

September:

He arrived! 9/25/2014 | 9:17 am after 30 hours of labor and 2 hours of pushing.

Last picture as a family of two!

October:

Trip to the state fair at 2 weeks old!

Baby dedications at Living word family church!

Halloween!

November:

2 Months old!

Thanksgiving!

Happy 4 years of marriage babe!

First road trip and overnight stay with Mr. B!

December:

Christmas!

The first time Patrick took Bennett anywhere without me!

Christmas Eve

Christmas morning

Christmas morning

3 months old!

WOW! What a year!!!! This has been one of the best years of my life. I have an amazing husband, a super cute son, a job a I love and so many blessings I can’t even list them all. After 2014 has mostly been focusing on Mr. B, Patrick and I are so excited to settle into the routine of being a family of 3 and listening to what God is calling us to do in 2015. The taste of sweet adventures is on the horizon and I am so ready to jump right in!

Oceans by Hillsong United comes to mind for 2015:

“You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior”

I pray that my faith is strengthened this next year. That I am trusting everything entirely in Gods hands. That His plans for our family prevail and that we have the confidence to go through the doors of opportunity that will open.

I hope your 2014 was as delightful as mine! Cheers to welcoming in 2015!

Being a mom is awesome. Hands down, best job ever. The thought of leaving Bennett and not being able to stay with him all day breaks my heart. I know that being a stay at home mom isn’t for everyone, but I thank God everyday that I hold this title.

I have thankfully been able to take off from work since August. Four amazing months of just Mr. B and I and I have literally loved every minute of transitioning into mama hood. You see though, I have another love in my life that has taken the back burner.

Miss Jee’s Photography. How blessed and fortunate am I to absolutely LOVE my job! Both of my jobs! I knew that I wanted these past four months to just be Mr. B and I but now that my maternity leave is ending, I am welcoming back my second love with open arms.

The extra work that it takes to schedule and leave Bennett with Patrick is something that is sometimes complicated but the joy that I get from being back in my element is overwhelming. I was able to photograph a newborn at Rex hospital today and as I drove away, I realized just how much I missed being behind the camera, doing exactly what I love.

It was actually pretty weird driving to Rex and walking the halls seeing that I was just there three months ago myself, but I loved the nostalgia it brought. My heart swelled thinking that another mama just went through the amazing act of birth and now is getting to love on her precious gift that she waited on for 10 long months. The fact that I get to capture those emotions, feelings and moments is the best feeling ever. I am capturing time in beautiful photographs that she will look back on for decades. Those feelings leave me fulfilled.

I pray that I am blessed with more amazing opportunities in 2015 to do exactly what I love.

I am so thankful that I get to be a stay at home mom who also gets to pursue her passion. What a blessing.

Tomorrow is the 6 year anniversary of when my life was completely changed. Six years ago, I came home from a horrible day only to be greeted by one of the worsts events of my young life. My dad passed away of a heart attack 6 years ago. I was only 17, still a senior in high school and  it was only 6 days before Christmas.

I remember the night so vividly, painfully clear. I actually dressed up for school and joyfully celebrated Christmas break in all of my classes. Then after a series of events that led to tears and a horrible work day, I ended up skipping a bonfire with friends and heading home to sleep the day off. I always knew that no matter how hard the day is, a good nights sleep can fix it all.

I arrived at home at around 9 oclock, headed straight upstairs and crawled into my bed. I just needed a new day. I was in that state of sleep where you’re half awake and halfway into dream world when I heard my mom screaming. Something was very wrong. I jumped out of bed, stumbled to throw a sweatshirt on and literally flew down the stairs. I was greeted by fire fighters and ambulance workers running to my parents room. Ok. Something is seriously wrong.

My dad had collapsed and was on the bedroom floor in my parents room. In the chaos, I just wanted to run. I wanted to get away from the craziness of them working on my dad. My mom had me call my brother who was at his girl friends at the time. First call, no answer. Second call, he knew something was wrong. I stumbled with my words but he got the point. He was on his way home.

I needed to get out of the house so my friend Joni, who lived a few streets away, came and picked me up and brought me to her home to distract me during the wait. I wasn’t wearing shoes, still in my pj’s and emotionally unstable. She turned on a movie and we waited. My phone rang and my mom asked me to hand the phone to Joni. Joni disappeared behind the bathroom door and when she came out, I already knew by the look in her eyes.  “You’re dad didn’t make it. You have the choice to stay here or go home.” I stood up and used every curse word I knew towards God. Why me? Why my family? Why my dad? My dad was a good man. I chose to go home.

She drove me to my street. We pull up to fire trucks, police cars and ambulances. The flashing lights illuminate the cold December night. The car stopped and I flung the door open and ran barefooted, tears in my eyes towards my home. A neighbor stopped me and grabbed my shoulders and said, “This is where your faith becomes real.” I didn’t want to hear it. I just wanted to get inside to my mom and brother.

We cried and hugged for the first time as a family of three. Then it was time to make a very hard and serious decision for a 17 year old. Do I want to go in to my parents room and say goodbye to my dad. I had a very short time to make such a life long decision. I retreated to the quietness of my room with the hum of our lives changing downstairs. I chose not to say goodbye to my dad. The last thing my dad said to me was, “I love you, have a good day” as I ran out the door that morning trying not to be late for first period. I wanted that happy memory instead of the last image of my dad downstairs. It was a tough decision that I would have to live with for the rest of my life and I honestly don’t regret my choice.

As they took my dad away, I sat in my room trying to comprehend how the past few hours had completely changed my life. Patrick stayed on the phone with me until late in the morning. My mom held me and I cried. I was angry with God but the only thing that brought me comfort was John Mark Mcmillans, How He Loves.

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us, oh,
Oh, how He loves us,
How He loves us all

I put the song on repeat. I needed to hear that God loved me during the darkest night my 17 year old life had experienced.

Oh how He loved me. Oh how He loved me. Oh how He loved me.

Faith was the only way I was going to get through the next hours… days… weeks.

My mom and brother kept our household together after my dad passed. I will admit that I ran. Literally and figuratively. Shoes to pavement and it was the only way I could clear my mind. It was the only time that I wasn’t the girl who had just lost her dad. It was the only time I felt free from the suffocating truth that my life had just taken a HUGE turn. I woke up the next morning in tears that I didn’t want the life that was unfolding for me. I wanted a different story.

Fast forward 6 years. I love the story that has unfolded. Do I miss my dad? More than anything. Since Bennett has arrived, I have cried more tears of missing him than I have in the past 6 years. I wish more than anything that my dad would have met Patrick and Bennett. There has been so much beauty in my life in the past 6 years and I wish that my dad could have been here to see it all.

A few hours before my dad passed away, he went on a walk with my brother. He said, “When I die, I want people to remember the good that I have done. Not how much money I had or the house I lived in, but that I was a good man”. We didn’t know that he would pass away unexpectedly a few hours later. My dad was an amazing, kind and gentle man. I see his joyful smile in Bennett sometimes. I know he would be giggling if he ever had the chance to hold my love bug.

So, if you have had darkness and hard times, know that there is still beauty waiting for you in your story. Life is still good even after your world falls a part. God is still good and faithful even after you think He has left you. He never leaves, He never stops loving you, He never will forsake you. He gives strength to those who are weak. He gave me strength to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward.

I am brought back to a dark night in my room every time How He Loves is played on the radio. I also am reminded about God’s overwhelming love, comfort and peace. I pray that you find that love, comfort and peace if you’re story isn’t unfolding exactly how you planned for it to. Keep moving forward. Beauty awaits.

The last picture I have with my dad. 

My husband calls me determined but it also could be called stubborn. Either way, when I set my mind on something, I do whatever I have to, to make sure it happens.

For example, I’m not the girl to make hair appointments months in advance or keep to a regular hair care schedule. I get an urge to get my hair cut and I typically call the salon and get a same day appointment with whoever is available. Well, the last time I got the urge to cut my hair it was on a Sunday. Usually this isn’t a big deal because my typical salon is open and usually slow on Sundays. Well, I called and the first available appointment was on a Wednesday. Nope, wasn’t going to work. I needed one that day for several reasons. One – I had Patrick with me all day to watch Bennett. Two – I wanted a haircut that day and not three days later. Darn you Spa by Mitchells for being busy! I called probably 10 other salons before finally finding one that was open and had same day availability. I won. I succeeded. My determination prevailed and I was able to get my hair cut. 🙂

So, this past Saturday I had the major urge to chop off my hair again. This time I REALLY wanted a haircut though. So, i called Spa by Mitchells and got a busy tone. I hung up, tried again. “The number you are trying to reach is temporarily unavailable, please hang up and try again”. Hung up and tried again. I repeated this probably fifteen times. I waited 30 minutes and then tried another 15 times. All the while, Patrick is telling me to stop trying because obviously their phone wasn’t working. Nope, not going to stop until I get my haircut! I finally call their other location to find out why their Raleigh locations phone wasn’t working. Well… SURPRISE! The store had shut down. Permanently. WHAT?! So, then I posted on WF community page asking for other Salon recommendations. Patrick then jokes by saying, “When you really want something, you do whatever it takes to make it happen…. like calling a disconnected number 30 times in hopes that it won’t be broken the next time you call!” We both laughed, but it’s true. I’m determined… or stubborn.Whatever you want to call it. Either way, I ended up finding a new salon and will be chopping my hair off tomorrow. 🙂

So, what does getting my haircut have to do with anything? Well, more so the characteristic of determination and how it fits into my life and our family. Let me see if I can make a smooth segway into what I’m trying to get across. So after Patrick pointed out my determination, I started thinking about how I can use my determination and how I already use it for other things than getting myself a haircut. Obviously, I use my determination when I run Miss Jee’s but since I’m currently on maternity leave, this will be more about my family life.

Two nights ago, Bennett woke up an hour and a half before his usual middle of the night feeding. So here it was, 2 am and I was wide awake. Usually I surf pinterest, instagram, or facebook because they are mindless activities and half the time I’m only awake enough to change a diaper and feed B. Well, I don’t know where this came from, but I started thinking about what the vision for my life was. What were my goals? What do I want to focus my determination on? Patrick is finishing up his schooling in 8 short months so we have been talking a lot about what’s next for him… but my question is what’s next for me? I’m a mom now. What is God calling ME to do in this new season. I couldn’t stop thinking about it even after I had crawled back into bed.

Last night while laying on the floor with Bennett, I hesitantly admitted to Patrick, “I feel like I have no vision for my life. I feel like I have no goals that I’m working towards.” That is hard for me to admit for two reasons. One, I’m the type of person who likes a plan. Two, it’s admitting that I don’t have it all together. My husband had a vision for his life. He saw that his last job wasn’t taking him towards that vision so he changed it. In my eyes, he’s brave, confidant and knows what he wants. He is an encouragement for me to dream big. Work towards my dreams. But what is my dream? What is my vision? It hasn’t been this way forever but my vision and goals have changed since having Bennett and I guess I am at a loss at what this next chapter is suppose to look like. My dreams and goals are changing and morphing and I’m still figuring out how to properly outline my new vision.

So, as I am admitting that I’m lacking a clear vision for myself, Patrick makes a profound statement about the vision for our family. You see, Patrick has a vision for his life, I have one for my life and they should cohesively come together to help form one for our family. With two separate visions that don’t intertwine in some way it creates di-vision. Division. Patrick and I started stating things we want to do personally and things we want to do as a family. We started shaping and forming the vision for our family now that Bennett is here. How can we serve the Lord passionately as a family? As individuals? Realistically, what does that look like? Just going to church on Sunday? No. So what does that mean? What do we need to do to make our vision of serving the Lord as a family, come to life. What are our goals as a family? What are my goals as a mom? As a wife? As a daughter to the King?

I’m not saying I have figured this all out, but I’m thinking about it and wanted to share. What is the vision for your family? What do you want to do in this life as a family? What do you want to do personally? Do you have goals you’re working towards? Do you need goals? Do you need to tweak your vision or change your goals?

How can I use my determination to accomplish the vision that we decide for our family? How can I use my determination when it comes to loving people? All things I’m thinking about.

I want to be a mom who shows the love of Christ through my parenting. Who raises a son who fearlessly loves and serves the Lord. I want to be a wife who supports, encourages and loves her husband without expectations. I want to be the woman who serves without reserve. Forgives like Christ forgave. Loves without hesitation. I want to be the business woman who shows Christs love in every encounter with clients.

I want to faithfully take our family wherever God calls us, without doubt or fear. 

Am I successful at all of those things every time? No.

They are all things I’m working towards that will shape the overall vision I have for my life.