Pregnancy made me mellow. A lot of times, you hear about how woman become raging hormonal monsters but this pregnancy did the opposite for me. If you know me, you know that when I’m not pregnant, I’m a crier. Tears can flow for the silliest of reasons and I just can’t help it. During my pregnancy though, I can distinctly remember how many times I cried. 4. Yep, you heard that right. I only cried 4 times my entire pregnancy. One of those 4 times was a few days before I delivered and I remember it like yesterday.

So much happens when you’re pregnant. Your entire life changes in a quick 10 months. Patrick and I went from going on an exotic 7 day cruise and joking about never having kids to 2 weeks later making the decision to start a family to 3 weeks after that staring at a positive pregnancy test. Ok… I won’t lie. It was 5 positive pregnancy tests. Life changed and it changed quickly. We would talk about Bennett daily, planning for the future as a family of 3. The first half of my pregnancy were plagued with vomiting and all day nausea. I lost 10 lbs and (looking back) hardly looked pregnant. Then I found diclegis and my appetite returned and the weight started to add up quickly.

I would consider my pre pregnant self pretty in shape. I went to the gym, ate fairly healthy and was working towards new fitness goals. I was no extreme race person, marathon runner or olympic lifter BUT my health and my weight were something I was conscience about. I found joy in improving physically. I loved seeing new muscles, being able to run longer, lifting heavier weights than before. When I found out I was pregnant, I had in my mind that I would only gain 20 lbs…. or MAYBE 25. Wrong. So wrong. My body decided it had other plans.

Days before my labor, I stood in front of our full length mirror after getting out of the shower and I sobbed. I hated what I saw. I was disgusted at the cellulite that plagued my back and legs. The overall swollen look that I presented. The numb belly skin that was stretched fiercely across me that separated Bennett from the outside world. The angry red stretch marks that covered my sides and the white textured ones that plastered the front. I was angry with myself for caring so much. I kept telling myself that it shouldn’t matter to me and that I should just be thankful that I was growing a healthy little boy. Not everyone gets the gift of carrying a child and I was angry that I was shedding tears over how I looked. When all was said and done, my body added 50 lbs to my frame during my pregnancy. Yea…. 50. I saw numbers on a scale that I NEVER even dreamed of seeing. 50 lbs and a body I didn’t recognize as my own and I felt so much disgust towards myself…. even though I was growing a life. Even though I knew a lot of it was fluids. Even though Bennett was healthy and thriving on the inside of me. Even though everyone said I looked great…. I was miserable.

Bennett was born and I left the hospital swollen and barely able to walk. My body literally felt broken. I looked down at a deflated belly but something was different. All I could think about whenever I looked at my new post baby body was that it gave me Bennett. My body gave me the greatest gift and one of my most treasured and loved people in my life. I look at my body so differently now. I embrace my once despised stretchmarks as a reminder of the time that I carried Bennett on the inside of me. I look at my saggy and soft belly and can’t help but be thankful for the life that it once held. I have so much appreciation for what my body did over this past year and what it continues to do. My body knew how to grow a child. My body knew how to bring Bennett into this world. My body knows how to feed and nourish my son and continues to give life. I’m amazed with my body. I’m more in love with my body post baby than I ever was pre baby simply because of what I’ve seen it do this year. Do I want to eventually shed the remaining 25 lbs? Yes. Do I want return to running and lifting weights and tone my body again? Yes. Will I stand in front of the mirror and cry at my stretch marks again? No. I’m thankful that my body was a kind home to my son as he grew in my womb. My body grew my sweet Bennett and I will forever be thankful.

All you pregnant mama’s who might be struggling with your bodies as they grow and everything is changing. Know that it is worth it. Once they are here, it is all worth it.

Say a thank you to your body today and appreciate all that it has done, is doing and will do for you.

39 weeks and 3 days pregnant | 3 weeks and 1 day post baby.

Excited to see what my body will do this next year. ❤